[He breathes in, breathes back out, knowing that he would be saying the exact same thing in Yasusada's position. That he was glad Yasusada wasn't there. That it was a painful thing. No one else needs to know this.
They really are reflections in any way that matters, aren't they?]
...When the others started showing up, I was really freaking out, you know. When I tried to text you back, it didn't go through.
[He doesn't say it accusingly, though - more like he's letting Yasusada know that he knew about his absence pretty early and had reason to worry more and more over the course of the day. Whoda thunk, being left behind really sucks!
With a hand raised to press against the side of his face:]
But you're back, and that's what matters.
[...The hand drops in the next second, though, to touch the front of Yasusada's neck, and he pulls away a little.]
[Even if it's not an accusation, it makes his mouth twist in misery to hear nonetheless. No matter the tension that resulted from Okita's decision, at least he'd known when Kashuu was leaving. Kashuu hadn't even gotten that much. Yasusada had been there one moment, and gone the next, completely unexpectedly.
What is he going to do if something like this happens to Kashuu?
What if, once again, Kashuu doesn't come back?
It's a terrifying thought, and Kashuu's proximity is the only thing keeping him calm.
This, too? he asks, and--well, it's not like Yasusada's going to lie. He nods again.]
...You wouldn't hurt me for no reason. [Even an illusion. Kashuu had looked confused, terrified, but not... not like he had no idea what he was doing.] You must've thought it was the only way.
[Although, that doesn't explain... what came after. That, he has no answer for.]
He hates hearing all of this - any of this - and all of the things Yasusada doesn't say, but so clearly implies in just these words alone. His jaw tightens for a second, but his expression remains caught in that in-between place it sometimes falls.
For a second, he's quiet as his fingers rest against Yasusada's neck. What would happen to them here, without their true bodies? What happens to their human shape when it breaks with nothing tethered to it? What will happen to them? He sure as hell doesn't want to find out.]
...Don't talk about it like that.
[Ah, there it is - him drawing that dividing line. He can take responsibility for not being there, and shoulder the blame for Yasusada's injuries, but he doesn't like hearing Yasusada speak of this illusion of himself in such a way.]
You-- [Should have protected yourself? He knows better. He knows how Yasusada is. Instead, after a sigh:] ...I wouldn't hurt you for no reason. But I can't think of any that would come up here and now, so.
[So if anything like this happens again, just - assume it's not him, maybe? He can only think of a few reasons why he'd turn his blade against Yasusada, and Yasusada has already proven he's stronger than any of those possibilities. The idea that he might accept such a horrific injury from him like that... It doesn't sit well at all, but he doesn't know how to address it elegantly.]
[Maybe he should know better. Maybe he shouldn't have looked past the eerie glow in the fake Kashuu's eyes, or the way he'd wielded color so effortlessly. Maybe he should have tried harder to defend himself, and focused on the certainty that Kashuu wouldn't ever hurt him at all.
(Wouldn't he?
If Yasusada strayed?
...But Yasusada wouldn't stray. He didn't, when it mattered. He wouldn't.)
But even if his lungs hadn't been forced full of liquid, cutting off his breath--even if he'd had a vessel of his own, something to fight back with, even if--
--he knows, too well, that he'd always have focused on the fear in the fake Kashuu's eyes. Yasusada doesn't think he could ever raise his blade against that, even if, ha, even if... the fate of history rested on it.
But he doesn't want to upset Kashuu, and he doesn't want to argue. He gazes at him a little longer, looking like he wants to say something else--but eventually he just nods, and tucks his face into Kashuu's neck again.
He keeps his eyes open, though. If he closes them, he knows, he'll just see Kashuu forcing his blade into his own body. Or, worse, his shattered shards flying directly at him, past the edges of his darkened vision, whispers of they're leaving, they're gone, you're alone trailing after them like the tails of shooting stars.
...No, he doesn't want to close his eyes.]
...Okay. I won't.
[For once in his life, maybe he won't talk about it anymore.]
[Yasusada isn't good at hiding things - or maybe that's just what he thinks after knowing him for so long.
He can tell that there's something else there. Something else Yasusada wants to say, but chooses not to - and a part of him thinks, I should ask. But the selfish core he has thinks, I don't want to know, and he doesn't want to hear any more painful things from Yasusada's mouth when he's already in such a state because of Kashuu. Because of their ties.
So he lets it go, and lets Yasusada hide his face away, and simply reaches to wrap his arms around him and hold him carefully and close.]
Good.
[For now, he'll have to - do... something. Anything at all to ensure that there isn't a repeat of this. To ensure that Yasusada stays close, always within arm's reach.
Whenever they finally settle enough to separate again, Kashuu will clean up the shards on the floor and pocket them, unless stopped. No need for Yasusada to see them anymore.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
They really are reflections in any way that matters, aren't they?]
...When the others started showing up, I was really freaking out, you know. When I tried to text you back, it didn't go through.
[He doesn't say it accusingly, though - more like he's letting Yasusada know that he knew about his absence pretty early and had reason to worry more and more over the course of the day. Whoda thunk, being left behind really sucks!
With a hand raised to press against the side of his face:]
But you're back, and that's what matters.
[...The hand drops in the next second, though, to touch the front of Yasusada's neck, and he pulls away a little.]
...This, too?
no subject
What is he going to do if something like this happens to Kashuu?
What if, once again, Kashuu doesn't come back?
It's a terrifying thought, and Kashuu's proximity is the only thing keeping him calm.
This, too? he asks, and--well, it's not like Yasusada's going to lie. He nods again.]
...You wouldn't hurt me for no reason. [Even an illusion. Kashuu had looked confused, terrified, but not... not like he had no idea what he was doing.] You must've thought it was the only way.
[Although, that doesn't explain... what came after. That, he has no answer for.]
no subject
He hates hearing all of this - any of this - and all of the things Yasusada doesn't say, but so clearly implies in just these words alone. His jaw tightens for a second, but his expression remains caught in that in-between place it sometimes falls.
For a second, he's quiet as his fingers rest against Yasusada's neck. What would happen to them here, without their true bodies? What happens to their human shape when it breaks with nothing tethered to it? What will happen to them? He sure as hell doesn't want to find out.]
...Don't talk about it like that.
[Ah, there it is - him drawing that dividing line. He can take responsibility for not being there, and shoulder the blame for Yasusada's injuries, but he doesn't like hearing Yasusada speak of this illusion of himself in such a way.]
You-- [Should have protected yourself? He knows better. He knows how Yasusada is. Instead, after a sigh:] ...I wouldn't hurt you for no reason. But I can't think of any that would come up here and now, so.
[So if anything like this happens again, just - assume it's not him, maybe? He can only think of a few reasons why he'd turn his blade against Yasusada, and Yasusada has already proven he's stronger than any of those possibilities. The idea that he might accept such a horrific injury from him like that... It doesn't sit well at all, but he doesn't know how to address it elegantly.]
no subject
(Wouldn't he?
If Yasusada strayed?
...But Yasusada wouldn't stray. He didn't, when it mattered. He wouldn't.)
But even if his lungs hadn't been forced full of liquid, cutting off his breath--even if he'd had a vessel of his own, something to fight back with, even if--
--he knows, too well, that he'd always have focused on the fear in the fake Kashuu's eyes. Yasusada doesn't think he could ever raise his blade against that, even if, ha, even if... the fate of history rested on it.
But he doesn't want to upset Kashuu, and he doesn't want to argue. He gazes at him a little longer, looking like he wants to say something else--but eventually he just nods, and tucks his face into Kashuu's neck again.
He keeps his eyes open, though. If he closes them, he knows, he'll just see Kashuu forcing his blade into his own body. Or, worse, his shattered shards flying directly at him, past the edges of his darkened vision, whispers of they're leaving, they're gone, you're alone trailing after them like the tails of shooting stars.
...No, he doesn't want to close his eyes.]
...Okay. I won't.
[For once in his life, maybe he won't talk about it anymore.]
no subject
He can tell that there's something else there. Something else Yasusada wants to say, but chooses not to - and a part of him thinks, I should ask. But the selfish core he has thinks, I don't want to know, and he doesn't want to hear any more painful things from Yasusada's mouth when he's already in such a state because of Kashuu. Because of their ties.
So he lets it go, and lets Yasusada hide his face away, and simply reaches to wrap his arms around him and hold him carefully and close.]
Good.
[For now, he'll have to - do... something. Anything at all to ensure that there isn't a repeat of this. To ensure that Yasusada stays close, always within arm's reach.
Whenever they finally settle enough to separate again, Kashuu will clean up the shards on the floor and pocket them, unless stopped. No need for Yasusada to see them anymore.]